The fight within me.
I don't think this post will make sense to anyone but me, but I'll write it anyway. Sometimes all we have to play with are the words we seek to describe the contents of our own minds - these notions, spilling like rivers onto a screen or a page. What we offer, in the end, is a guided tour of our soul. In the middle of the rapids, we sometimes surprise ourselves; we suddenly realize, stop and declare, "Hey! I didn't know that!"
I have had a few revelations tonight. Too personal to write of and too many to name, but the bottom line is, "everything within me has to change." My concept of myself and the world around me, the solitude I won't allow anyone to penetrate and, above all, the idea that I am "stuck" in my ways. I have a clearly-defined image of what life will bring me, and it dawned on me tonight that it's a murky one. How can I manifest what I secretly don't believe in? So, starting now, I am going to imagine myself in primary colours, the superhero palette of red, yellow and blue, and enter the octagon of the Ultimate Fighter.
My battle is with myself, specifically, my own inability to picture myself as WHO I want to be in my life. Not where, not when, but who. There is some sort of fear of success going on inside me. Not fear of failure, but of actually doing well. When did I allow myself to become such a disbeliever? That's another question. I only know this: no one took it from me, I robbed it from myself. And only I have the power to give it back.
I believe that, more often than it appears, the fear of failure is actually a fear of success... for, if one succeeds, what then?
After success, the expectations rise... and the pressure thus mounts. After success, one is then expected to continue at that successful pace.
It's similar to the 'Once you've reached the top, there's nowhere to go but down' theory.
From this perspective, it is understandable why some fear success.
I'm not saying that this is the case with you - I have no idea if it is or not, as I don't know you. This is simply what I thought of when reading your post.
Continue posting your various thoughts and reflections - they are enjoyable to read.
I know people who could live a thousand lifetimes and not come to those realizations. You're creating your own path now and I wish you luck on your journey.
And like Steve mentioned - keep us updated.
I have had a few revelations tonight. Too personal to write of and too many to name, but the bottom line is, "everything within me has to change." My concept of myself and the world around me, the solitude I won't allow anyone to penetrate and, above all, the idea that I am "stuck" in my ways. I have a clearly-defined image of what life will bring me, and it dawned on me tonight that it's a murky one. How can I manifest what I secretly don't believe in? So, starting now, I am going to imagine myself in primary colours, the superhero palette of red, yellow and blue, and enter the octagon of the Ultimate Fighter.
>>> I like to think of myself as a old semi-retired boxer (ie. Tyson, Balboa etc). broken and beaten at round 11, ears dead, and the cut man (I think a guy who cuts your swollen eye and gloves I think)and I'm bleeding profusely, yet God my multitudes of Angels, keep on telling me week after week (round after round), to keep on getting back up. I've been like this for 10 years! and I'm only 30! But the rewards are starting to pay off. I can proudly say that I stood up for oppressed, when "Da Man", kept on trying to stomp his face and spirit in. It's like God is Micky (Rocky's angry coach), calling him a bum, telling me I'm a no good bum and to keep on getting in there. At times it's invigorating, other times, Ivan Drago (that Soviet Super soldier boxer), just gave me 2000 PSI of punch power right into my heart, when some of the homeless yell at me)...
But Adrian we did it ariannn arrainnnnn adriannnnnn!
Steve, thanks for the feedback. You may be quite right, I'll have to mull it over. Right now, it just feels more like "I'm not worthy," rather than worrying about what would happen if I succeed. I value your insight.
Chris, thanks buddy. I'll let you know what happens, but I can tell you this: I have had two "possible" job opportunities come my way since I wrote my blog, so something is shifting. We'll see if they pan out. I'm certainly not enlightened, but I AM hopeful for a change ;)
Showerking, I picture you as Rocky Balboa! I laughed so hard and cried at the same time when you called out, "Adriannnn....!" It was lovely. Thanks for that.
Thanks to all of you. God bless, and Jo bless too.
you picture me running up the steps waving my arms around? It's sad what happened to Adrian though. :_(
Jo Bless bless you, you are worthy! We all are and believe in yourself, though you don't know me I believe in you. I believe in humanity in all of us. I love all the world, and I love you(in a non-creepy way). Borrow strength from me if you can. I shall meditate(pray) on sending you strength.
Remember Love Yourself, You Deserve it!
Thanks Crystal, I love you too, also in a non-creepy way. Your latest poem is so special, it's like I'm inside your head, your heart and your life, I'm going to comment on it...
I might borrow some of your strength today, I'm sick with the flu, my whole body hurts.
xo
Jo