My place, park bench #4 upper bunk

I have been a raging alcoholic for the past 22 years. I just went through my 7th re-hab. I have 4 months sobriety today. I used to have a wife, a condo, awesome jobs that payed well, cars, motorcycles, friends and family. I'm 34 yrs old right now. I was on top of the world. When I was a teenager, I used to sell dope at school so I could drink a bit of booze. Dope was easier to score than booze. Then I got a bit older and could buy my own at 15 up in Quebec. I hooked up with some ppl up there and selling and boozing was on.

I got my mechanics license at age 19 and started working in shops around Quebec city. I made good money and hooked up with a girl.I quit the dope scene cuz the rock machine were in a war with the H.A. It was getting hairy and ppl were dieing left and right. I thought I had big balls cuz I was with the big boys then. Well a sleeping bag is used for more than sleeping in. Lots of big boys with small balls now in the St. Laurence river as we speak wrapped in a sleeping bag and never coming back up. So I went on with life with a good looking girl on my arm and living it up as though my life were a comic book life.

I was in that kind of reality were I thought I was invincible and feelings were for wimps. I wrecked 4 cars, 2 bike crashes, and one 3 wheeler crash. I had not spent a sober day in 22 years. I broke alomost every bone that I can think of and countless nights in drunk tanks, hospitals. I was even thrown into a loony bin for a month and a half. I was drugged out on prescription drugs and loved that! I was taking ativan, lorazipam, seroquel, oxy's, percs, and drinking up a storm at the same time. Some ppl might think this is a good buz. Well it brought me to my knees. I pulled knives on ppl, tried to kill myself several times and just could not get drunk or stoned enough. The booze and the dope just would not work anymore.

I got on a bus and left Quebec in october 2008 after loosing my last room and board. At this piont I was on the streets living under a gazebo for a few months. It gets cold in Quebec city. So shelters would take me in and throw me out cuz I was out of control. When I got off the bus in Toronto, I just wanted to rest a bit and continue on to alberta for some work to keep me drinking. I didn't care about my alcoholic cirosis or my 5 yr old son back home. I stayed in a shelter here in toronto for a few weeks and worked out of labour ready for 60$ a day to keep me a bit buzzed.

I got mugged by some guys with a hammer. There was a girl there to and she told them to hit me again. After the first hit I went down on one knee and told them "Its going to take more than that boys!!" Well they gave me more!!! I lost hearing in my left ear and and had a skull compressed fracture. I then stayed drunk for 4 more days to take the pain away and I wanted to rest so I went to a detox. While I was having a smoke with the smoke stick, there was this 14yr old girl giving out socks and food with her parents. She was looking at me with sad eyes and she asked me what happened to me. I told her and she cried and said " how do you sleep at night? Arn't you traumatized by what they did to you?" I said "no, I'm used to this sh#t!!" At that exact instant I saw myself doing to others what these guys had done to me. I saw myself for who I really was. Not a prettu sight but it was the first time I had this much clarity about life ever.

I could not even bullsh#t myself any longer. The booze quit working a long time ago and there simply was no more relief for me in life with mind altering substances. I had gone to far, lost everything and just did not know what to do and no way of figuring it out by myself. That was when I decided to throw my boxing gloves away and quit fighting a useless fight agaisnt drugs and booze.

I am now working in a shop in downtown toronto fixing cars and I am living in a small room. I am sober and I trust life to give me what I need without the running in circles that drugging and boozing take me to. I go to meetings as often as I can, I have a sponser and a home group. I can look you in the eyes and say that I am worth it. I don't smash mirrors anymore cuz I don't like my reflection. God saved me through that brutal beating by letting me see myself for who I really was through that little girl.

May god bless you all and may you also see yourslef for who you really are, ppl who deserve to be happy and alive. I feel I was the worst enemy I ever had. No one could beat me up better than myself.

These guys with the hammer, I thank you for stealling my money and almost my life. You gave me a new pair of life glasses to see you with. You guys are just as hurting as I was and you deserve better. Maybe I will be able to help you guys build a house with that same hammer instead of destroying with it. The 22$ you got was good for 3 tokes and my cell phone wasn't any good, it just had pictures of me and my son in it. That was good for 2 tokes. I hope you understand the run around you guys live. I know I lived it!!!

Peace and help others,
NickB